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December 31 last entry of the yearWriting from New York, on my work laptop so no chinese.
Everybody is writing abt new year resolutions and making recaps of the year 2007. Being a member of the class of 2007, i think i've done enough recaps in June when I graduated from my beloved college. Today, on new year's eve, I'm just thankful that I am not indulging myself with crazy parties with my friends during my entire stay in New York. I am actually going to spend most of the time today alone, so I could do some soul search, reflect on myself and on ppl around me, hopefully to learn more about myself and the world and welcome the new year with a heart "as peaceful as water" as my dad says sometimes.
Somehow I just got reminded of Q's entry about passion and reason. maybe cuz i've been spending quite some time with her recently, or it is because the other day on the train she read out aloud Bacardi's ad "live passionately, drink responsibly" and i told her how i "live responsibly and drink passionately" instead. So everytime I do this thing called soul search I tend to think about the "passion" part of my life - I do not want to admit that I look down at all the reason related elements of my life (aka career, exams, school..) but I do tend to consider them as some kind of obligations we have as part of our survival in the society in general. And being a supporter of hedonism and everything related I do value the creative, passionate side much more and see them as the highest and truest representation of us as human beings. And since I do not always act according to my reason it is interesting to see how I give different images to ppl around me. Insensitive, sentimental; pissy, mellow; picky, tolerant; cold-as-stone heart, flirtatious....oh well what can i say. I guess all these oppositions put together are me. I show different sides of me depending on who i am with where i am and what kind of mood i am in. I used to tell myself that i dun have to give a shit to what certain ppl think abt me, dedicate all my energy and time to the few people and things i care abt, and i'd be happy for the rest of my life. but now i don't know what i care about anymore. I am haunted by contradictory feelings about myself and other ppl. Uncertainty, that is. If it could ever be defined in one word.
Sometimes I wonder who I care about the most (besides the family), and who are the ones who care about me the most. You can't really tell. at least I cannot. I wonder what brings people together, as friends or lovers. By choice, by reason, or by passion? If marriage is the cemetery of love as ppl say in chinese, then love may as well be a lie invented by loneliness. or selfishness. If it was not initiated by selfishness, then why would ppl keep hurting their "loved" ones? and you don't call me a pessimist or think i am judgemental.
December 16 民以食为天 听朋友说因为懒得做饭吃了一周的火锅，才想起来其实我也可以在家DIY：）周末采买特意买了牛肉羊肉片，芝麻酱，白菜萝卜香菜生菜，再加上家里原来就有的粉丝冻豆腐  先用葱段姜末洋葱花椒炸锅，然后加水下肉，放大料桂皮熬汤（我才知道桂皮和cinnamon是一个东西！！前几天还跟美国同事说你们怎么吃这种怪东西，cookie, gum都有这个怪味的>_<) 发现越来越不能吃了，照片里这么点玩意吃得我要中场暂停。。。。不过在自己家里吃真的很有感觉，原汤原料都是自己做的，感觉更好吃，可惜一个人吃多少有点冷清，尤其因为电饭锅的电线短，我不得不桌子靠墙面壁而食 还好有幽黄的灯光和我喜欢的音乐  
最近下了好大的雪。回想起来东北是很冷，可是雪似乎没有new england这么猛。早上穿着球鞋西裤呢子大衣准备上班，结果发现车不是顶着个结冰的壳就是20厘米厚的雪！什么ice scraper阿完全不管用，我恨不得把小时候扫雪用的锹扛来。。。。又冷又懒又没时间，索性用纸壳盒子挖雪，两边和前面的窗户都看见就可以了，效果就是坐在车里看见发动机盖上，sunroof和后面trunk上面都是1大堆雪，简直就是carnival或者什么场合在开一个顶着frost的大蛋糕在街上乱跑。。。发张比较正常的小儿科的吧。下雪开车的确很恐怖！ 
December 09 Warning to myself...以后真的要少喝了。最近几次喝，都是想喝到tipsy高兴就好，可是没想到it still hit me afterwards，最近3次喝酒都失忆，不是死睡过去了就是完全不记得。朋友受了伤自己也没照顾，反倒还要别人来照顾我: ( Cecilia, Min都是大好人，下次真的不好意思多喝了  一定要提醒自己，否则圣诞新年的又有这个兆头。大家要保重 ---------- 今天上班时跟ay来回email讲这些事情，惊奇的发现我们喝完酒后的举止都是跟平时的我们相反的。她平时就是老好人，人见人爱，喝了酒说的话和举止都会让人刮目相看。我表面上来，有时会说很bitter的话，对人挑剔也远没有她平易近人，可是喝糊涂了后就恨不得全世界都一家人，看见谁都幸福地微笑，整个一SB, 最重要的是不记得发生什么事情, 虽然我没有暴力倾向 >_< 她这次代价很大，而作朋友的，我也觉得有部分是我的。哎以后真的要控制了. it is nice to be tipsy, but it is so easy to cross the line between being tipsy and wasted. it took me 4 years of college to realize it. sigh. |
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